October Joke 07

-Payment Plan

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

The salesman said, “You just make a small down payment, and then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Who told you about us?”

-Monitors

I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, “You’re giving this away? I’ll take it!” Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. “How much for that one?” she asked.

I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, “Do you take trade-ins?”

-Oneliner

No matter how busy people are, most are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are.

-Maturing

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. “What’s the matter?” she asks.

“I’ve just figured out how to tie my shoes.”

“Well, honey, that’s wonderful.” Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: “You’re growing up, but why are you crying?”

“Because,” he says, “now I’ll have to do it every day for the rest of my life.”

-Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since February.”

-Manners

New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, “There’s my husband.” Then I added, “The thin one–not the fat one.”

After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, “And that’s my husband–the fat one.”

-Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen”

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen.

Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.”

The audience was shocked. He didn’t know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn’t heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.”

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, “Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!”

-Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. “Is that yours?” asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.

“Uhh, yes it is,” said the foreman. “That is, it’s our company’s.”

“Would you mind moving it?” asked the officer. “We’ve set up a speed trap, and the van’s causing everyone to slow down.”

-Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what’s inside the drum?”

-Responsibility

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “do you have any experience in picking lemons?”

“Well… as a matter if fact, Yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

-Miracle Cure

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

She answered, “Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane.”

-Bathroom Exasperation

As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. “What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.

“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.”

-Mosquitos

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

-Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ‘es'”

(What English Teacher wouldn’t love that one?)

-Grandmother

My three year old walked into the kitchen and announced she’d figured it out: “When I get older and have babies, you’ll be their grandmother.”

I was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye: “…that is if you live long enough.”

-Writing Stories

A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

-Neighbors

You Know You Live in a Small Town When…

The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

-Fireflies

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

-Doctor Thanks

A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.

The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.

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